More fear.

So now I’m facing my fears. You know what I’m scared of? I’m scared that yep, this is it. This is the way my life’s just going to be. That I have to be ok with whatever this set up is. I’m scared because it doesn’t feel like life has changed much in the past few years for me. But then I realise it has. I have a dog who is the best pal anyone can ask for. I have a career with a path that I feel like I can grow into more strategic positions. I have a mortgage I pay for. I have a place I could move into if I want to. I have better skin and better grasp on my overall health. I have time and money to go travelling. But no I haven’t had a relationship. And that is the part that kinda scares me a bit. What if I just have to live this way? Cause the last few years just have been like this? I think about me, getting older and my insecurity comes out of me. What if I just end up as a dog lady and die alone and not be loved by a partner? And that’s it? I need to face that fear. It might not actually be true. But I feel it as a fear. I’m just going to have to sit with this feeling again. This fear. Which makes me unable to trust and want to control things. But of course it’s never been in my control at all.

Maybe I haven’t been in a relationship for the past few years because I don’t think I was right for one during that time. Maybe I had to be alone for a while to learn something. I dunno? Maybe? Maybe I had to be alone to be able to face myself. I dunno.

Other fears:

  1. maybe I’m just not enough

  2. Maybe I’m not beautiful enough

  3. Maybe I’m just too much

  4. Maybe I’m just not that special

  5. Maybe there’s something wrong with me

  6. Maybe I’m just not lovable

  7. Maybe I don’t deserve it

  8. Maybe I’m just hard

  9. Maybe I’m not attractive enough

  10. Maybe I don’t mean anything

OK those fears are raw! I can see it’s my hurt self that’s saying it. Maybe I can start with just observing her fear.

For Us - Odesza

Maybe that’s why this is the work - the work to actually face yourself and be there for your feelings. I think we all tend to bury our feelings and put them away because they’re often too painful to face. But actually facing the pain has been truly and absolutely liberating. Being able to face myself and my feelings has finally cleared the fog that I used to see. I would see everything from my wounds, so I made everything about me. I would be seeing something and it wasn’t actually myself seeing it, it would be my abandonment talking. So everything felt like that, abandonment. But learning to sit with it and to feel it all and no longer be afraid of the pain, has been life changing for me. The thing is, learning to sit there with myself through moments when I want to crouch and hide, is actually me no longer abandoning myself when things get too painful. And in some ways, it was healing to no longer abandon myself and my feelings.

You know what I discovered? It dawned on me and I could see that maybe he was carrying his own demons. I always wondered why was it that one thing I said that triggered him so much? I never understood it, because I only saw it from my wounds. But after clearing my fog, I realise maybe it was his feelings. He did say once in a message that he didn’t deserve something I gave him for his birthday, which really confused me. I didn’t understand - what do you mean you don’t deserve this thing that I really wanted to give you? But of course, he was seeing things from his perspective.

And it made me realise this was never in my control to fix. I can’t fix it. This is for the universe to deal with. It took me time to come to face myself and I finally understand why everything had to happen the way it did, for me at least. I had to find this for myself. And all I feel is nothing but love - I don’t blame him at all, I just see his pain. And I feel for him.

2018 me

The period between February till July 2018 was a pretty rough time of my life. I hadn’t been able to listen to the music I listened to during that time because I was again, scared of the memories that it would rouse from me. I was a bit lost and doing the best with what life was throwing at me.

For some reason, I finally feel able to listen to the music I listened to back then. Hallelujah by Noah Kahan. need the sun to break by James bay. Demons by imagine dragons. I listened to a lot of sad songs. Because I felt sad a lot. And when I hear these songs, I am instantly transported to those days where I would wake up to go to work, take a train and then catch a bus every single day. Work was my refuge and it was where I found grounding from the tumultuous feelings I felt every day. I remember one afternoon when I finished work and I was waiting for a diverted bus cause they were building the light rail. The sun was setting and it was starting to get cold. I played demons by imagine dragons on my phone. Then again and again. I looked up at the sky and wondered what was going on with my life. I didn’t really understand the meaning of the things I was experiencing and I felt so small. I cried a bit when I listened to the lyrics closely “don’t get too close it’s dark inside”. I felt hope but I felt sad at the same time. I thought to myself maybe one day this would all make sense.

I buried myself in life. I enrolled in a UX course whilst completing my masters simultaneously. I was busy in my head. I needed structure because I felt so disorientated. But when the UX course finished and I had a lot more time, reality hit again. I was faced with myself. And that was the first time when I decided to just simply surrender to the universe and accept the reality of my life as it was then. I remember it so clearly when one night I said out loud to the universe that I was ready for whatever it wanted to throw at me next. I think I was just truly over feeling sad about life and I wanted to live again.

I try to bury the first half of 2018 in my head. I try to think that it didn’t exist because it hurt. But it’s funny how I finally feel like I can dive back into these memories from 2018. Maybe it’s cause I’m recognising that the Katie I was back then was the strongest Katie I’ve ever been. She was …. Really making the best of whatever happened. She really got to work and just decided she needed to keep living and existing. She really was my strongest self. And I’m finally finding her again. I never thought I’d miss her or lean on her for support, but 2018 me was pretty brilliant. And I love her.

I was just coasting till we met, you remind me just how good it can get

May this type of love find me:

I saw you standing there
Sandy blonde hair, the way it came tumbling down
Just like a waterfall
And if you need a light
I'll be the match to your candle
My darling, I'm ready, to burst into flames for you

I was just coasting till we met
You remind me just how good it can get

Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you
Tell me you don't
It feels like you do
Looking like that, you'll open some wounds
How does it start?
And when does it end?
Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you
But is it too soon?
To know that I'm with you
There's nothing I can do

And sometime around one
We fell asleep to escape from the sun
And we woke up to the sound of a storm outside
We stood at your front door
You looked at me and said "Baby, this rain changes everything"
And my heart ran away from me

I was just coasting till we met
You remind me just how good it can get

Well I've been on fire, dreaming of you
Tell me you don't
It feels like you do
Opening up can open some wounds
How does it start?
And when does it end?
Only been here for a moment, but I know I want you
Darling, I do
I'm with you

There's nothing I won't do to see you shine
I'll swing for the fences
I'll run to the line
And it's high time that you love me
'Cause you do it so well to see you shine
I'll swing for the fences
I'll run to the line
And it's high, high time

Oh darling, I'm with you
Oh darling, I'm with you
There's nothing I won't do
There's nothing I won't do
I'm with you
Oh, darling, I'm with you

I admit.

I’ll admit that I probably overindulged in reading the messages from the past. I think I finally found the compassion for myself because I used to blame myself for everything that went down. But I read what I wrote, and honest to God, I can see the me who was trying so hard. Is that the work? Loving every version you have been and forgiving yourself for everything you blamed yourself for. I finally was able to find forgiveness for the person who had been yearning for it after all these years, which was ironically, for myself. Self-blame wears you down because it becomes self-hate. I didn’t think I hated myself but I held myself accountable, so I was never free from my own judgement. So funny, the one judging myself the most was actually myself.

Perhaps what I was intending for actually worked - I wanted to finally face my pain. I thought facing pain was just acknowledging it. I don’t even remember what I tried before, because the focus wasn’t even on myself. But facing pain is actually being there through the ugly parts and deciding not to run away when all you want to do is to SHRINK and HIDE and tell the pain to stop stabbing you.

It’s so interesting that the 2019 version of me that I can see in my mind’s eye, seems like she’s finally free. I think I hated her for a long time, but I don’t hate her anymore. I just want to hold her and thank her, because she did everything she could with what she knew. She didn’t want to hurt me, she never did. And I love that 2019 version of me for what she tried. I forgive myself.

‘And through the tears, I can see it so clear’

Both anxious

There was one thing that I regretted a lot for the past 3 years, which was that I deleted an iMessage thread that meant a lot to me in the past. I wanted a fresh start, so I deleted a lot of memories along with it. I was hurting a lot with the memories in the iMessage thread because reading them would online remind me what I lost, so I decided to delete the thread. And after I deleted it, I had regretted it ever since. I tried to reload it on my computer, logging into my iPad and then my Mac to get those messages back. But they never came back and I just accepted that they were lost forever. I guess I could remember some of the messages in my head.

I got my new Macbook Pro on Tuesday, the day after my birthday. I needed it because I needed to install Spyder on my Mac lol. It’s for the AI course I am doing now. Anyway, I thought I’d test everything on my Mac, so I logged into iMessage. Then what do you know, the message thread from 2022 popped back - like it was never deleted. It was just hidden somewhere. Curiosity got the best of me, so I opened it up to read some old messages. But then I started cringing at myself. I was really unsure and insecure. So I closed the thread.

But then I felt I wanted to read it again tonight and found some old messages we shared. I realised we were just as insecure as each other. A long distance thing was never easy. It really plays on you. And there I just saw, two people trying their best in a circumstance that they didn’t really choose despite the feelings they had for each other. And when you have two people trying their best, when they both are dealing with their insecurities, it definitely wears them out. It’s a dynamic that pushes and pulls. I look back at these two people, one of them is old me, and I think we were just trying to figure things out and wanting certainty, in a world of uncertain things.

Reading these texts has winded me a little. Maybe it’s just the rest of the feelings that I have surpressed wanting to come out. That’s what I have been doing lately - I’ve just been processing my feelings, allowing myself to be a human and to have feelings about it. I decided I no longer wanted to suppress my feelings about things, because what you resists persists. So I have allowed myself to feel sad and just been there for myself whenever I have an emotion come up. I had been processing a lot more than usual, that I didn’t feel like I woke up with the same ache as I did in the past. But seeing those texts got me feeling overwhelmed. And I had resisted reading them again, because I was afraid of the crushing feeling. But then I just did it anyway, confronting my fear about my pain. I felt the pain in my chest and felt the feelings of what I was reading was history. I wrote it, so did he. But when I could be ok with these feelings, I could feel them wanting to leave me and rather than pain, it felt like, relief. I really held onto these emotions for a long time because I couldn’t bring myself to face them. And I am doing it because I need to be there for myself, like I would do the same for a friend, should they be in pain. I remember some texts - some really lovely, some really crushing. I felt all the same emotions as I did when I first got them. And facing the crushing feeling head on, that feeling of it being over, was at first crushing. But it was just that, a feeling. And then I felt better, a little bit proud of myself. Like I was able to face my fear and I didn’t die. Maybe that’s why fear exists, cause the body thinks its going to die. But we didn’t die! And there was a feeling of ‘hey, that wasn’t so bad’. And when you do more of that, you start becoming less fearful and more fearless.

There’s a part of me that feels like I am back in those messages and the emotions are quite intense when I am there. But then I remember, I am here, now. I orientated myself, looking at Elliot and reminded myself that I am here, right now. Those texts, they were from 6 - 8 years ago but I live here, in the present. And I am okay. I just buried these feelings deep within somewhere so deep because I was always running away from them. But I stopped doing that and opened that box I have been trying so hard to close. But the box was always screaming to be opened. And here, I have opened the pandora’s box. It’s like the dementors in HP - no longer fighting them, but setting them free.

I think the reason why I deleted the message thread back in 2022 was because it hurt too much. I didn’t want to scroll back to the messages and just see history. I didn’t want to see the slow unwinding of our situation. I knew I would be tempted to go back to read between the lines to see what went wrong and what I potentially missed. So I ran away from these feelings and now I am finally courageous enough to face them. I think what has changed is because I no longer want to be defined by these feelings. I don’t want my pain to haunt me anymore. I want to see it for what these memories were, a really beautiful part of my life that I will always treasure. There is a part of me that still hurts and my heart is so scared that I will never experience these feelings again. But even though I haven’t I have still lived a life since then and I’m still alive. Maybe that’s what I want to do - I just want to transmute the pain, so I can feel something better. It’s like the Japanese concept Kintsugi - when somethings broken, you don’t go and throw it away. But instead, you fix it and mend it with gold.

slow is fast and fast is slow.

One of the biggest things I’ve had to learn in my life is that slow is fast and fast is slow.

I’ve always been one who just wanted to rush through everything, because I wanted to get it done. I would just do it the fastest way possible, sometimes I would even just think that by doing it myself and skipping on reading the instructions, that I would save time. Sometimes it would work because I can figure it out on my own, but other times, by not taking the time to orientate myself and reading instructions, I would just actually fuck it up even more.

One thing I tried to rush was myself. I thought ok, I just need to get rid of all my negative beliefs within and things would change. I rushed through it, because for some reason, I thought I was running out of time. Well, you know what happened? I rushed through it, I didn’t take my time. So I kept failing halfway and going two steps forward and three steps back. I felt like I was self-sabotaging myself. How come I couldn’t actually just CHANGE? Oh, I was so frustrated.

But there came a point where I just had to realise that going about this was never going to work, that I needed to stop rushing because I thought I was running out of time. As soon as I was accepting of life as it is and no longer wanting to change it, I felt like I didn’t have to rush anymore. And so I could actually take the time to sit with myself and my feelings. That’s all I have been doing lately - just being kind and compassionate with the Katie who feels sad sometimes, who feels bit weird and sometimes can feel a bit all over the place. And I haven’t even tried to change what I feel, I just allow myself to feel. Maybe actually being kind and compassionate is something you have to do, because after just being there for myself, I have felt the resistant emotions leave my body. I don’t go around in loops with the same icky feelings again and again. I started to wake up clearer. It’s like I have more space to not think about the things that suck because I allowed myself to wallow and be sad and shitty. I started having interests again, like I want to read books on logistics cause DHL is such a cool company in how they optimise logistical transportation across the world, I think that’s so fucking cool.

It’s still in my nature to want to rush. But I am now in such awe of the wisdom that slow is fast and fast is slow. There is such beauty in taking things slow, one step at a time. You want to rush through it, but rushing through it just makes it slow. It’s a beautiful paradox that has changed my perspective profoundly.

So, slow down.

Airports

Alain de Botton wrote about airports in his book, the art of travel. It’s been a while since I last read it but I have come to find out that he actually wrote another book specifically on airports when he was the writer in residence at Heathrow for a week.

Airports have always been a part of my life since I was a kid. I asked my mum to give me back my old passports and they used to stamp the pages in your passports, even when you were returning home as a citizen. I looked at the pages of my childhood passports and saw pages and pages of stamps of arriving and departing Australia, mainly to one destination - Hong Kong. I went so frequently. I saw some of the dates in my old passports, I went like at least 4 times a year to Hong Kong but it didn’t really register in my head when I was a kid.

I remember vividly what those days would be like when we went to Hong Kong as a family. We would be preparing for the trip, where my parents would buy gifts to bring back every trip. The morning of would be busy. We would have to wake up at 5am because our flight was at 9am. It was the regular Qantas hong Kong flight that we had always taken. I would wake up with sleepy eyes and I would hide all my soft toys in my closet because I wanted them to feel safe when I was gone. I would say goodbye to them and then take duck with me, who was in my tweety backpack. I would always pack a water bottle (before it was banned), my wallet with my cards, some tissues and I think I took my diary with me too. It was my little backpack of everything. It made me feel safe. Perhaps that translated into adulthood too because I still enjoy packing my backpack, albeit with some different things.

I remember we would be on stand by so we could never go to the gate early and we would have McDonald’s at Sydney airport. I remember there was a frog statue installation at the airport and we would climb it all the time whilst sitting at the food court, waiting for time window where we could return to the check in counter to find out whether or not we got on the flight. We would wait there with other staff members and would breathe a sigh of relief when we heard our names called. A lot of the times we would even get business class tickets. It was always so exciting and I loved travelling on the skybeds in the old Boeing 747 and 767s.

We would have to rush through the terminal and through immigration to get to our gate because they only issued our tickets when check in closed. I remember we had to wait for a while when customs checked our passports manually. But now we just stand there and let a machine take a photo. How times have changed.

I remember that we would seldom get allocated seats next to each other, cause we got whatever was left. I also remember when the flights were full that the check in people would ask us that if there were only a few seats, who would we prioritise getting on the flight. Such fond memories now. I would settle on the Skybed and watch all the movies I could. Back then, there were channels you could choose rather than movies on demand. So I would watch a movie then spend the rest of my flight watching Nickelodeon on Q. I would save the business class menus too. And I remember my favourite meal was a steak with potato gratin. I wanted to make it so badly when I got off the flight.

I remember how it felt to fly during the daytime to Hong Kong. They would dim the cabins but I would walk to the crew work area and there would be a window that was open which showed daylight. I would peak outside and look down at the earth below and see fields and fields of farmland. I think we flew over Queensland and Northern Territory. I’m not sure. But getting out of Australia took some time.

I loved the feeling of arriving in Hong Kong. I would ask my dad to explain to me why it would sometimes take just 8 hours and other times nearly 9 hours to Hong Kong. Dad would explain to me how planes worked. I was always so proud of my dad. Him being the aircraft engineer. But I would get so excited as the plane started to prepare for landing. I remember that the seatbelt signs would be on 20 mins before landing. Qantas is strict like that. Other airlines have seatbelt signs on literally just before they’re about to land. The cabin would be so quiet during the 20 mins just before they would land. And I would listen to music if I could still reach for it in my seat. I remember in the A380s business class too that there was storage on the side of the seat against the window so you didn’t have to put your stuff up top. That was something I loved so much because it felt like it was my little area. I remember listening to the yeah yeah yeahs little shadow acoustic version as we made our descent. We flew through clouds and descended in altitude, street lights coming alive as we neared the city and our destination. The anticipation I felt in my heart was unmatched. I was excited to see my extended family. Sometime my ears would pop when the plane descended but I would look out the windows in wonder. In those moments, you get stopped on your tracks and you feel the immense awe of this incredible piece of technology, called a plane that can fly so high and to faraway places and open the world to you.

Being a traveller is something all of us can be. Airports are liminal spaces, something that’s not quite fully formed, always in transition. A bunch of people who were there in the morning would be a thousand miles far away from this place by night time. It’s so transient. The water you drink at one place will no longer be the water you drink in 8 hours. You fly from one place and within a blink of an eye, you’re in someplace completely different. It’s probably why I felt like I needed to wake up from a dream when I was in Copenhagen. How was I in Sydney just 25 hours ago? How am I now thousands of miles away from everyone I love? Where’s my dog?

Airports can make you reflect intensely on life. Sometimes you’ll see other lone travellers. Sometime you wonder why they’re going to a random place that you would have never thought of. There are families and kids. Old people. Young people. Groups. Couples. Solos. Cabin crew. Every walk of life walks through these terminals. I remember sitting at Oslo airport and seeing this gentleman. I suspect he had a stroke before because he had a slight foot drop and his hand was a bit limp. I worried for him but it made me feel better when I saw him with someone who clearly cared for him. Maybe it was his daughter. I don’t know. But you see all walks of life altogether in this terminal, going different places, all with their own life stories. Maybe someone is flying to see family, or for a holiday, or for something sad or for something happy.

That night I sat by the gate waiting for my flight to Dubai from Sydney. I was nervous and a bit in denial I was going off on my own. The check in counter crew told me that I wouldn’t see my luggage until I was in Copenhagen. I thought yep, I can’t back out of it now. And I sat there at the gate. Some guy was next to me chatting to someone. I bought a bottle of water cause I knew I needed it. I swallowed a few pills cause I was feeling sick. I sprayed some refreshing spray on my face. I tried to pack my bag again to minimise the bulk. I put the bag on my lap and hugged it tight. I felt a bit vulnerable there. I was alone on an epic trip I planned for myself. I was nervous and I wasn’t sure how I would cope. So I hugged my bag tighter, my little home for the next 25 hours until we get to Copenhagen. I went to bathroom before I boarded the flight too. I had to bring my backpack into the toilet cause obviously no one could look after my stuff. When I came back, my seat was taken so I moved somewhere else where I could have a clearer view of the planes. The gate was starting to populate. Naturally. As it was an a380 flight to Dubai. I waited to see when my boarding group was ready to board. I still had some more time. When i get a bit nervous, i feel like my tummy hurts at times. But it didn’t hurt so much. Maybe I was ok. But I remember that night. I was trying my hardest to get over this nasty cold. I was really unsure how I would fare on the flight. And it was hard. But I made it eventually.

Airports are such interesting places. It marks adventure, hope, happiness, sadness, nostalgia. And all the other human emotions and feelings. Sometimes I would feel sad when I arrive in Hong Kong airport now. My grandpa who has passed since 2022, used to wait for us at the arrivals hall and I would always see him leaning against the railing and he would light up upon seeing us. I still look for him when I go to Hong Kong. And I close my eyes and try to visualise him waiting for me and giving me a sheepish smile. He wouldn’t want to give away too much of his excitement. It’s the Asian way of showing love.

Airports really rouse memories. I remember our extended family would come to send us off at the airport and our arrival in Hong Kong would be a huge occasion. We would arrive into Hong Kong in the afternoon and we would go to my grandmas place and she would prepare a feast. All my relatives would be there and it was a huge fanfare. Back then I didn’t think of it as much, but it’s now just only a memory. Something that has happened but won’t happen again. The last time when my dad and I went to Hong Kong, we arrived and went to the flat, put down our luggage and went to grab a meal at a restaurant near our place. It wasn’t the same. The warmth, the loudness and the gathering was not there. It was just me and dad. How times had changed. And I guess that’s just life.

I am writing this on my phone whilst laying in bed. It’s probably filled with grammatical errors and stuff. But I can’t be bothered to proof read it yet. Maybe I will do it when I’m on a desktop. But it turns out I have a lot of emotions regarding airports. And it’s something that has shaped my childhood and the way I grew up. I pretty much grew up going to airports all the time. And it’s why cumulatively, I probably have lived in Hong Kong for at least 2 years, if we add it all up. Or more. I don’t know.

There’s more to say about Hong Kong. Of course. It’s where I was born and it’s the culture I grew up with and something I have had to reconcile with the Australian culture I also absorbed into my being. I don’t know what I am totally. I am Australian but tinged with Hong Kong. But then sometimes im very Hong Kong. I might write something about it again another night when I am laying in bed and struggling to sleep. Yep, it’ll be for another night.

Before I’m 32.

I haven’t really focused too much on turning 32. I was reminded by the blood bank the other day when I went to donate blood and they wished me a happy birthday. When I was a kid, I used to get really excited about my birthday. It’s not that I am not excited about my birthday, it’s more that I have locked in and zoned in on other things in my life.

So - the year in review, what’s changed?

I do classical Pilates now with a teacher who is amazing and super lovely. I swear we could have been friends instead but she’s my teacher. It’s helped with my overall core and my strength. I feel so in touch with my feminine side when I do Pilates.

I stopped using western skincare and changed to Korean skincare. It’s healed my persistent cystic acne on my chin and between my eyebrows. It’s literally all gone and my skin has started to glow from within.

I no longer rely on nurofen for period pain relief and instead can use Panadol to manage my pain.

After a huge lull with my career and honestly, I was in a lull for the past 5 years, i seem to have found clarity as to what I want to do. In the past, I thought I didn’t want to chase the career and the high. I thought I just wanted to be happy and focus on other things in life. And perhaps I had to feel that way for a while to find myself again and realise that I still have ambitions and I have goals I want to reach. I remember this quote fondly where someone said it would be a shame to never realise the full potential of who you could be, if you don’t push yourself. This was said in the context of exercise, but it applies to everything else in life. It would feel like a life wasted if I never pushed myself and not be able to appreciate what I was truly capable of doing. And this mindset has influenced how I approach things - particularly for exercise. I love pushing my body and seeing what other Pilates moves I am capable of doing.

They say that when it rains, it pours. It certainly felt that way for my career these past two days. I went back to uni to do a grad cert in applied AI, which started yesterday. I’m not used to studying again, let alone computer science, but I have already learnt something new and it’s starting to shape my thinking in the different types of machine learning, deep learning and AI. I rejoined the college I was part of when I started my health management journey, because I realised I needed a mentor. I didn’t have a formal mentor for the last 5 years, cause I thought meh, who cares. But there comes a point where you recognise that you can’t see your own blind spots and you really need someone who has more experience than you to actually guide you and shine the light moving forward. I met with her yesterday and it has already given me some food for thought. I met up with an old project coach from my consulting days too and we had coffee/hot chocolate together, which was really lovely and again, I felt the value of his advice and boy, I really missed that. Then I bumped into 3 different people there too, all from different times of my working life. I feel like I am building the buzz back that I’ve not had since… 2018. I think I had to learn a few things to come full circle, back to a version of me who is still ambitious but grounded at the same time. I think I wanted to deny that I had this ambitious streak within me, which is why I would blog about how I just wanted to enjoy life and that work is work to me. And to be honest, work is still work to me, I still don’t put it front and centre in my life. But it feels like I have more passion and more clarity as to where I want to go in my career. And when it’s clear, you naturally pick up momentum. I’ve not felt this way with my career in such a long time. It’s like I’m finally holding the reigns again. The past versions of me did the work, they did their best, but now I can take over and relieve them of their duties.

I would always confuse how surrendering to the universe really worked. For a time, I thought it was just giving it up to the universe to do its work. But seeing how everything is finally clicking and making sense with my career, I have realised that surrendering is vitally important but you need crystal clear clarity and decision. A couple of months back, I decided I was going to pursue a grad cert in AI and go back to uni because I could recognise that the person I wanted to become in my career, was going to need to have a strategic lens and an understanding of the applications of AI. The image of the Katie I wanted to be formed in my head and I naturally took the action that I needed to take. I took the first step. And I was crystal clear in recognising I needed a mentor and so I did that. But what is so strange is that everything coincided and started yesterday, like all the things I had been building up just collided in a spectacular fashion, just like that. I recognise it now that you simply surrender and let the infinite intelligence take over. But what it needs from you is a firm decision and clarity. You decide, that that’s the person you want to be. And you gotta have full conviction over it too. Well, that’s also what I did when I was a physio and decided I wanted to work in health management. When I simply decided, everything just fell into place. I didn’t have to figure out the puzzle pieces, I still took action, but it all seemed…. Seamless. It seemed magic. Maybe that’s the learning. Maybe that’s what the universe likes. You decide, but let it do the work.

Stockholm.

My last stop was Stockholm. I travelled from Alesund on a pretty late flight so I only arrived into Stockholm at my hotel at around 6pm-ish, which was pretty late. But it was still light out, because the sun sets at 11pm and it’s still twilight into the night and the sun rises around 3:30am. I used to be that person who would take it easy and laze in my hotel room and probably do nothing, but then I didn’t do that. Instead, I walked outside and soaked in the evening light and started to feel a bit emotional already. It’s my last leg of my solo Scandinavian trip and I treasured every moment even more. I had no idea what to eat, because I didn’t really do too much research on Stockholm places to eat. So I walked and walked, then finally went back to my hotel to have toast Skagen. It was pretty much a rip off but well, that’s Sweden for you. I wasn’t too hungry either because the motion sickness from the previous day was still present and i felt a little nauseous hence why I opted for something simple, rather than a burger elsewhere.

I went on a walking tour the next day in Gamla Stan, the old town on Stockholm. Stockholm is literally named after ‘sticks’ in German, lol. Pretty funny. This was the tour where I met this girl from London. She just came up to me and struck up a conversation. We chatted heaps during the tour so I actually don’t remember the tour as much but there was a natural affinity. At the end of the tour, the tour guide recommended some cafes for us to try Swedish meatballs so we decided to get lunch together. We chatted for 2 hours on all sorts of topics and it was so interesting to see how aligned we were on our political views too. There was a natural rhythm in how we spoke and I swear we could have hung out for longer, but the days were winding down and I had to make the most of my time in Stockholm. We exchanged numbers and I told her that if she ever heads down under, that she could let me know and I’ll take her around Sydney. That little interaction and new friendship made me feel so full. And perhaps that kickstarted the trajectory of how I felt so full and complete within on this solo trip. I thought solo tripping would expose a lot of my raw emotions primarily. And it did, Alesund made me feel the depth and intensity of my emotions but I never knew that there was another side to it which was the absolute fullness that I would feel. It reminded me that this is the point of life - discovery, connection and realising that everyone is at the core, the same. We all want the same things. And what’s even more beautiful and magical about life, is that connections can come from anywhere. You know, sometimes you won’t even notice that person and not think twice. But when you get to know them, you realise how wonderful they really are. It’s connections that make our lives so rich. My heart was very full with a new friendship. And I just felt the incredible magic of solo travel. Had I not travelled alone, opening up to strangers would have not been as easy. But maybe solo travellers can recognise something in each other and like I wrote in a few posts below, that solo travel really reveals aspects of your personality that you never knew existed. I found myself more open, more engaging and more interested in other people. I genuine wanted connection and I loved being able to talk to people with no pre-conceived notions of who they were. And that’s the magic - you get to see them for who they are.

After that, I went to the Avicii Experience, which is a museum dedicated to Avicii. Truth to be told, I never really thought of going to Stockholm until I learned that there was a museum for Avicii. So you could say, I went to Stockholm because of the Avicii Experience. It was somber and sad. I wanted to cry during my visit in the museum. Maybe it was just grappling with the intense loss of a musical genius, of someone who was so deeply in love with his craft… but taken away way too soon. I remember when I first learned of Avicii’s death - I had UX class that night. It felt really surreal, like what do you mean Avicii is dead? He can’t be. He was meant to be a legend into old age, reinventing music again and again. Seeing videos of him, being the genius that he is and memorabilia in the museum, made me really sad. I stayed at the museum for quite some time. Maybe I needed time to reflect on why his music meant so much to me. I think it’s because he captured my 20s. And millennial EDM was an iconic era. You know those euphoric songs that make you wanna pour your heart out? Wake me up… yes, that. I was so tired after the exhibition and had pho for dinner. I needed Asian food lol.

Next day, I went to Vasa Museum to see the Vasa warship that sank 1.3km on is maiden voyage in the 1600s. Incredible relic, so big and it was a bit creepy haha. But I really appreciated being able to see something form the 1600s, preserved so well but the biggest problem they face is trying to prevent its decay since it is made from wood. I then went shopping, because I just decided, fuck it, yolo. Everything IS expensive in Scandinavia, but you know what, the money will be made back but the time I have now is all I have. So I just went to the shops and went shopping. Truth to be told, I didn’t buy much but I did splurge on my APC Grace Bag.

But the biggest thing about Stockholm wasn’t really about what I did and my experiences. It was just this intense sense of fulfilment and fullness and wholeness that I started feeling from within. I was enjoying myself so much, actually getting used to my own company and I guess that’s why they say you need to travel, because my worldview was getting expanded again. I feel like travel is truly an addictive drug, there has never been one time when travel hasn’t prompted self-reflection from within. You learn so much about yourself and it makes you take a macro perspective on the world. I always learn that on my travels and I remind myself when I feel like I can’t see anyway out with my problems. But this time, solo travel to the other side of the world has impacted a part that I didn’t realise existed. It just has opened me up to myself.

It really is so true - once you live in the moment, life truly opens up. I decided to seize my time in Stockholm and just embrace the moment. And then I found something richer than anything I’ve ever been given. I found so much fulfilment in life. I love Stockholm so much. And well, I didn’t realise how accurate the astrocartography would be. And it was pretty reflective. ChatGPT did say Stockholm was going to be the place where I would find myself…and you know, Stockholm isn’t that distinct. It’s not like it has a Sydney Opera House and a must visit thing. It’s just….the vibes and the energy. Something moved within me in Stockholm and I’m ever so grateful. The city really opened me up. I’m so grateful.

My absolute favourite meal - so delicious

Incredible floral and fragrant and juicy strawberries.

Alesund

Alesund is the gateway to Geirangerfjord - a UNESCO listed world heritage fjord renowned for its natural beauty. So that’s why I went there - my heart was drawn to the fjords in Norway and I wanted to see it for myself and experience the wilderness. I love nature. I went on the ferry/boat tour thing from Alesund to Geiranger and it took 3 hours. We went deep in between the fjords and it was just simply majestic. It took my breath away and I felt strangely alive, yet all the deep emotions I had just erupted to the surface. I listen to Kygo’s album as I was on the cruise. It only felt fitting to listen to his music whilst I was in Norway. And you know, his music kinda fits the landscape. I stepped onto the deck as I was listening to Louder by Kygo and the crescendo matched the wind in my hair so perfectly. I felt the strong wind on my face as we were cruising down and I felt so alive as the chill blasted my face. Maybe it’s the mystical property of the fjords that seem to inspire all the raw emotions. Because I literally started crying a little bit, I don’t know why. I think it’s also because I was so moved. There’s something about being somewhere so far removed from where you are from, on the opposite part of the world… And there’s something about the place, being so barren at times. You truly feel the weight of nature and its power in your bones. It’s a looming presence everywhere and truly awe inspiring. I spent some 3 hours in Geiranger and went for a little hike up to see the waterfalls. The little town of Geiranger reminded me so much of Wes Anderson’s movies - like the Grand Budapest Hotel. It’s the quintessential European village vibes. Maybe it’s the mix of history and vastness of nature that kinda overwhelmed my soul. But I’m so glad I went because it’s truly a marvel. I felt the gravity of the place.

I was going to go kayaking the next day but instead I decided to do a last minute booking for Trollstigen, which is another viewpoint with a whole round trip of 6 hours. We travelled in a mini van with a total of 8 tourists, the driver and the guide who was this English guy. I felt really sick on the bus and told him about it cause I needed to figure out how to open the windows. We luckily took some rest stops in between so I grabbed a chamomile tea and had some ginger lollies that I carried with me. The tour guide and I struck up a conversation over my motion sickness and that’s when I found out that he was hitchhiking through Australia in March where he went from Brisbane down to Melbourne. Small world. Turns out he was also doing guided tours in Te Anau and the glow worm tours too in New Zealand. I thought that Norway was very much like New Zealand in the vast landscapes but at the same time different. NZ’s Milford Sound felt so much more untamed and wild yet Geirangerfjord felt majestic. Both are still beautiful, just with different ways of being beautiful. I then struck up a convo with this HK couple - and honestly, it felt nice to be speaking some Cantonese. Maybe my soul was craving connection and it was then when I felt most porous and open to connecting with other people. The wilderness of Norway had me wanting to find some groundedness and it cracked me open in a way, where I learnt more about myself that it’s not that I’m super introverted, it’s more that I crave connection. Meaningful connection.

Trollstigen was truly amazing. To think that I was going to do kayaking instead of Trollstigen is crazy. The view was breathtaking and I gasped as I saw the depth of the valleys. The English tour guide gave some really informative facts and stories about Trolls. What was most interesting was the tree line with how as you go higher, the trees don’t grow because there’s not enough oxygen and nutrients. I loved driving through the Norwegian wilderness and seeing those abandoned huts - it makes you remember the deep history of a place. But I struggled so much with the motion sickness, and it didn’t help that the German family in the tour bus told me to close the windows cause they didn’t like the wind but I really needed the air in the bus cause I was going to throw up imminently.

Copenhagen introduced me to Scandinavia and nordic culture and heading up to Norway cracked me right open. I needed the nature getaway in a way because my soul craves the mountains and wilderness. It’s hard to describe the experience - it was a bit spiritual and rather personal in a way that I can’t really use words to really say what this meant to me. But Alesund roused all my emotions and truth to be told, I was emotional for most of the time in Norway. It felt like a rite of passage. The water was as pure as anything and the best water I have ever drank in my life. Maybe that cleansed my soul in some way and I felt more vulnerable than ever. Just me, in this remote place, far from everything I’ve ever known but rawer than ever and discovering aspects of myself that I never really knew. It was the precursor to falling in love with life, more than ever. And falling in love with myself - loved knowing that at every moment in life, I had me with me. I felt more safe than ever. I felt so incredibly trusting of myself.

Geirangerfjord

Geirangerfjord

Trollstigen