So now I’m facing my fears. You know what I’m scared of? I’m scared that yep, this is it. This is the way my life’s just going to be. That I have to be ok with whatever this set up is. I’m scared because it doesn’t feel like life has changed much in the past few years for me. But then I realise it has. I have a dog who is the best pal anyone can ask for. I have a career with a path that I feel like I can grow into more strategic positions. I have a mortgage I pay for. I have a place I could move into if I want to. I have better skin and better grasp on my overall health. I have time and money to go travelling. But no I haven’t had a relationship. And that is the part that kinda scares me a bit. What if I just have to live this way? Cause the last few years just have been like this? I think about me, getting older and my insecurity comes out of me. What if I just end up as a dog lady and die alone and not be loved by a partner? And that’s it? I need to face that fear. It might not actually be true. But I feel it as a fear. I’m just going to have to sit with this feeling again. This fear. Which makes me unable to trust and want to control things. But of course it’s never been in my control at all.

Maybe I haven’t been in a relationship for the past few years because I don’t think I was right for one during that time. Maybe I had to be alone for a while to learn something. I dunno? Maybe? Maybe I had to be alone to be able to face myself. I dunno.

Other fears:

maybe I’m just not enough
Maybe I’m not beautiful enough
Maybe I’m just too much
Maybe I’m just not that special
Maybe there’s something wrong with me
Maybe I’m just not lovable
Maybe I don’t deserve it
Maybe I’m just hard
Maybe I’m not attractive enough
Maybe I don’t mean anything

OK those fears are raw! I can see it’s my hurt self that’s saying it. Maybe I can start with just observing her fear.