Maybe that’s why this is the work - the work to actually face yourself and be there for your feelings. I think we all tend to bury our feelings and put them away because they’re often too painful to face. But actually facing the pain has been truly and absolutely liberating. Being able to face myself and my feelings has finally cleared the fog that I used to see. I would see everything from my wounds, so I made everything about me. I would be seeing something and it wasn’t actually myself seeing it, it would be my abandonment talking. So everything felt like that, abandonment. But learning to sit with it and to feel it all and no longer be afraid of the pain, has been life changing for me. The thing is, learning to sit there with myself through moments when I want to crouch and hide, is actually me no longer abandoning myself when things get too painful. And in some ways, it was healing to no longer abandon myself and my feelings.

You know what I discovered? It dawned on me and I could see that maybe he was carrying his own demons. I always wondered why was it that one thing I said that triggered him so much? I never understood it, because I only saw it from my wounds. But after clearing my fog, I realise maybe it was his feelings. He did say once in a message that he didn’t deserve something I gave him for his birthday, which really confused me. I didn’t understand - what do you mean you don’t deserve this thing that I really wanted to give you? But of course, he was seeing things from his perspective.

And it made me realise this was never in my control to fix. I can’t fix it. This is for the universe to deal with. It took me time to come to face myself and I finally understand why everything had to happen the way it did, for me at least. I had to find this for myself. And all I feel is nothing but love - I don’t blame him at all, I just see his pain. And I feel for him.