2018 me

The period between February till July 2018 was a pretty rough time of my life. I hadn’t been able to listen to the music I listened to during that time because I was again, scared of the memories that it would rouse from me. I was a bit lost and doing the best with what life was throwing at me.

For some reason, I finally feel able to listen to the music I listened to back then. Hallelujah by Noah Kahan. need the sun to break by James bay. Demons by imagine dragons. I listened to a lot of sad songs. Because I felt sad a lot. And when I hear these songs, I am instantly transported to those days where I would wake up to go to work, take a train and then catch a bus every single day. Work was my refuge and it was where I found grounding from the tumultuous feelings I felt every day. I remember one afternoon when I finished work and I was waiting for a diverted bus cause they were building the light rail. The sun was setting and it was starting to get cold. I played demons by imagine dragons on my phone. Then again and again. I looked up at the sky and wondered what was going on with my life. I didn’t really understand the meaning of the things I was experiencing and I felt so small. I cried a bit when I listened to the lyrics closely “don’t get too close it’s dark inside”. I felt hope but I felt sad at the same time. I thought to myself maybe one day this would all make sense.

I buried myself in life. I enrolled in a UX course whilst completing my masters simultaneously. I was busy in my head. I needed structure because I felt so disorientated. But when the UX course finished and I had a lot more time, reality hit again. I was faced with myself. And that was the first time when I decided to just simply surrender to the universe and accept the reality of my life as it was then. I remember it so clearly when one night I said out loud to the universe that I was ready for whatever it wanted to throw at me next. I think I was just truly over feeling sad about life and I wanted to live again.

I try to bury the first half of 2018 in my head. I try to think that it didn’t exist because it hurt. But it’s funny how I finally feel like I can dive back into these memories from 2018. Maybe it’s cause I’m recognising that the Katie I was back then was the strongest Katie I’ve ever been. She was …. Really making the best of whatever happened. She really got to work and just decided she needed to keep living and existing. She really was my strongest self. And I’m finally finding her again. I never thought I’d miss her or lean on her for support, but 2018 me was pretty brilliant. And I love her.