I admit.

I’ll admit that I probably overindulged in reading the messages from the past. I think I finally found the compassion for myself because I used to blame myself for everything that went down. But I read what I wrote, and honest to God, I can see the me who was trying so hard. Is that the work? Loving every version you have been and forgiving yourself for everything you blamed yourself for. I finally was able to find forgiveness for the person who had been yearning for it after all these years, which was ironically, for myself. Self-blame wears you down because it becomes self-hate. I didn’t think I hated myself but I held myself accountable, so I was never free from my own judgement. So funny, the one judging myself the most was actually myself.

Perhaps what I was intending for actually worked - I wanted to finally face my pain. I thought facing pain was just acknowledging it. I don’t even remember what I tried before, because the focus wasn’t even on myself. But facing pain is actually being there through the ugly parts and deciding not to run away when all you want to do is to SHRINK and HIDE and tell the pain to stop stabbing you.

It’s so interesting that the 2019 version of me that I can see in my mind’s eye, seems like she’s finally free. I think I hated her for a long time, but I don’t hate her anymore. I just want to hold her and thank her, because she did everything she could with what she knew. She didn’t want to hurt me, she never did. And I love that 2019 version of me for what she tried. I forgive myself.

‘And through the tears, I can see it so clear’