I'm finally breathing
The smoke ain't gone, but it's clearing
I ain't there yet, but I'm healing
When you’re hurt and when you’re blinded by your problems, you can’t really see anything else other than your pain. That was life for me for quite some time, that I couldn’t even be present to the life in front of me because I would rather be anywhere else but here. So I didn’t really notice what was happening in front of me. I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was getting to know someone very well. Honestly, you can get to know someone very well via Teams. And I pretty much spent every day on Teams with this guy - sometimes I would be rolling my eyes when we had to go on another call or have another meeting. But I came to realise that he and I were very alike…. we both wanted to timebox everything so that we can do nothing afterwards. So that made our working relationship very productive, cause we’d just get everything done and it was off to the directors for review. I enjoyed working with him a lot but I also got to know him well as a person. Sometimes we’d talk about different things… I would think he was an idiot and there were other times when I just didn’t want to talk to him anymore - cause I was talking to him tooooo much everyday.
He left the organisation earlier this year. I didn’t understand why I felt really sad about him leaving. I went to his farewell party when he came down from Brissie, and I didn’t understand why I felt a bit awkward seeing him. Maybe it’s cause I found him cute. I think ever since he left, we’ve probably been talking to each other more on instagram. And other than seeing my parents in Brissie, I was quite excited to see him there too. It was just for brunch, but it was nevertheless quite pleasant. I was stupid enough to say no to him for drinks with his colleagues and declined his offer to pick me up from where I was staying….oops. I think that was my defence mechanism kicking in, wanting to do everything on my own and not get close to someone else…even though I wanted to. Anyway, I think all this has come at a point where I have stopped being so consumed in my problems and grown from them, realising that connections came come from wherever… and when you have really healed and worked on yourself, you start seeing things that you couldn’t really see before, that are just right in front of you.
I don’t know where this is going. I’m just gonna enjoy the experience for what it is.