I keep dancing on my own.

When you listen to Robyn’s Dancing on my own, there are two ways to interpret it. It can be seen as a song of longing and seeing your lover being with someone else or it can be seen as a deep acceptance of being okay, being on your own. I see it as the latter tonight.

These few days have been a lot of reflection for me. I keep thinking about 2017 when I first met him up in the Gold Coast and all the memories that followed. I have bee looking back at photos that we took together when I was in Wellington and Queenstown. I have been unable to look at them in the past, cause I shoved everything in a hidden folder on my phone because seeing those photos would just make my heart hurt, knowing we were no longer speaking. But since a week or so ago, I have been able to unhide these photos and look at them again. The pain that I felt looking at these photos was replaced with a genuine sense of appreciation of what had happened. I look back at the photos, like they’re a memory, rather than as an event that reminds me of the heartbreak and pain I experienced.

Tonight, I was hit a profound sense of clarity - that you can love someone but not understand them and just accept them completely for it. I don’t understand him, I don’t get him at all. But the love I had for him was real and I’m not gonna shame myself for feeling that. But at the same time, it’s a sense of feeling completely okay with what has happened in the past and it truly feels like history for me now. I was looking at photos of him and I could remember the way his eyes would sparkle when I kissed him but within that, I saw a photo of someone that felt so far away and so long ago. He just feels like a memory, somewhere in my brain. I had been keeping him alive in my mind for such a long time because I couldn’t let it go. I guess tonight, I felt a lot of profound peace. Like I’m just glad it existed and I’m okay, with whatever has happened. It really feels like I’ve neutralised all the emotions I had for him and maybe I have done a lot of work on myself that I really have healed all the hurt parts of myself that needed so much loving.

I think I’m just fascinated with how I just don’t feel the pain anymore and I just genuinely have great memories of being with him. I think of him fondly as opposed to with profound sadness. I think I have truly let go, finally. It took me some time but I’m happy with where I am in life.