I’m back where I belong…
I’m thinking that 29 is probably the year where I grew the most into myself. I could say this is the year with the most personal growth for me. When I was 25, I wrote a list of the person I want to be in 5 years time… it was a pretty typical list that had the following:
Happy, thriving and comfortable in my own skin
Rid of all the anxieties and depression, finding meaning in life
In a job that I love and in a career that is rewarding
In a relationship or getting married to someone I love
Travelling and seeing all the different places
You know what? Yeh, I didn’t get to achieve a lot of these things in my list. Actually far from it but that doesn’t mean I failed. 29 is really a year of growth for me. I keep writing about turning 30, I think I’m actually secretly excited about it because it feels like a new chapter for me. It feels like everything that I worked on is finally falling into place for me. I mean, there are things that are still the same on the outside, but I feel markedly different inside. Like I am feeling a lot more assured and decisive in what I want, I’m not as overthinking what to say and what not to say anymore. I own it. And that’s a good thing for me, because I was always fearful of saying the wrong thing…pretty much overthinking everything and second guessing myself which is one of the worst ways of trusting yourself.
Anyway, last night I realised that heading into my 30s means that I need to actually start actively caring for my body. I’ll be honest, I’ve never been the most consistent in going to the gym, it actually feels like a chore for me. I did fall in love with pilates and barre - where it was my main form of exercise for a year or so, but when the pandemic happened, I stopped it all for I was a bit too afraid of catching COVID…which I did catch eventually, 3 years later, lol. Anyway, I have a reformer at home but I’m not the most compliant with using it either. I stopped my gym membership, thinking that I could just get by with using my reformer and doing mat pilates, but I realised that I wasn’t challenging my muscles with loaded weights, which is exactly what I need if I want muscle tone and definition. I tone extremely easily and pilates wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Last year, for a while, I started a couch to 5K workout for up to say…4 runs and I abandoned it. It was easy to abandon it because we were in a La Nina season and it would rain so much, making running super difficult.
Today, I went for a run. And I enjoyed it. And I fucking hate running? But I used a guided run on the Nike Run Club app, which was surprisingly very effective. The trainer kept emphasising that I needed to run at a very relaxed and comfortable pace… I initially started a bit too fast, so I was out of breath pretty quickly, but I finally understood what he meant to be relaxed and be able to maintain a conversation … so I slowed right down. Then I found myself running the rest of the 10 mins without stopping at all, albeit my pace being super fucking slow. I would have laughed at myself but actually, starting to run is better than not starting at all. And that was how I ran 2kms today, starting and stopping at the start, but then able to run without stopping at the tail end. I was really happy with myself. And I realised that actually, this is enjoyable when you can do it! I surprised myself…. its another of those ‘I can’ts’ that I’m proving wrong to myself. Again, it was because I wasn’t using the right program to help me train and condition myself into running before…and when I adjusted to a program that is designed to ease you into running, it was actually seamless. I’m actually looking forward to my next run - I guess this is how they create consistency in people - when you actually enjoy it. My fitness goals have also certainly changed from wanting to get really defined to just wanting to improve my cardiovascular endurance, be stronger and just be overall healthier. A change in mindset certainly changes everything.
I was wondering where I would go for my 30th birthday. Should I got a restaurant or a bar? Celebrate with friends? I was thinking for a while… Then the other day, I saw that my friend went over to Queenstown for the long weekend… something kinda shifted inside and I felt this spark of inspiration to look at hotels for Queenstown….. and I was initially going to in September but then realised, fuck it, why not go for my birthday? My brother was gonna come but then he backed out, so I think I’m going with my mum around my birthday. Not sure the dates yet, but I should be spending my 30th over there. I didn’t think I was going to plan a trip over to New Zealand again soon because in the past, it still hurt. But I think I’ve moved on from feeling hurt, to more of a sense of happiness of the past but looking forward to the future of experiencing life to its fullest. A fire has been ignited within and I just want to do the things I want to do, without being clouded by fear but with an intense and burning desire to experience life in all its juiciness.
That’s why this post is titled ‘I’m back where I belong’ - it’s cause I am. (And also, its the lyrics from the song I linked.) I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be right now. Sometimes the voice of doubt creeps in every now and then, trying to throw me off. But I listen to my heart more than ever because the feeling it gives me is that I’m meant to be here, right now.