what it was.

I feel like I’ve finally emptied all the emotions that I had about what hurt me in the past that now I no longer really have anything left to say about it. Except, I realised that it’s no longer those negative emotions, but more so the positive emotions that linger.

If I strip everything back, what remains is a feeling that yeh, of course I miss him. How could I not miss him when we shared a lot of deep emotional experiences with each other, albeit via iMessage as the primary way of communication? I remember he once said that we effectively didn’t really know each other, since we only interacted that way for most of the time we were talking. And for a long time, I really thought he was right and I felt a bit stupid and foolish for thinking that it was anything more than just an online connection. But maybe the reason why I felt like it was significant for me, because that’s the thing, we had to communicate via messaging so communication was paramount. And that at times, is how you build intimacy, not simply through close proximity. I think about Ray, my first boyfriend. He lived 5 minutes away from me but I never got to that depth with him, despite being in relative close proximity with him. We went on trips too but in retrospect, I realised that despite our 4 year relationship, I never really knew him. Maybe it’s not these markers that define depth. Maybe the only real marker is how it makes you feel.

The fog really has lifted because I can only remember the very distinct moments we shared. I remember waking up at 4am in the morning to his message cause he told me he was gymming. In all honesty, I love to sleep. But I loved talking to him too, so I woke up to engage in some chat at that ungodly hour. I remember making him laugh with a comment I made at Te Papa whilst looking through the telescope. That was my crown achievement in humour because it was so effortless ahha. I used to think about these memories with ache and a lot of sadness. But I see them with a different colour now, it’s a warm shade. I used to want to resist the warm shade of these memories, cause I would think it was too painful to relive because it no longer existed. But now I can revisit these memories and see them for what they are and with the warmth of what it is. I really treasure those moments in my life and I’ve come to accept it that there is a real possibility that they’re just forever going to be memories and not a new experience again. I am really glad that I got to experience this unique relationship in my life and I am ready for whatever the future will bring.