I was wondering why when I was in the shower, that I was thinking about my favourite moments in life. Most of them are moments when I was by myself and truly in the present moment.

I remember it being June in 2018 and I was taking the bus to work. I start work at 8am so I was up by 6 something already back then. I had to take a train and a bus to work and those mornings were cold. By then, I figured out my daily commute which was most convenient for me. I remember one morning when it was rather crisp and cold and the bus was already empty because most people had alighted for their stop already. I vividly remember looking at my surroundings and getting off the bus and walking to work. I think this memory is so vivid, because at that time, I felt solid in my surroundings. I felt like I was in control of my life and I was totally focused on myself. It was when I was truly in the now and being loving to myself. I got my shit together for my life and maybe it was because all I had capacity was for myself and so I truly felt the love for myself back then.

Another time was when I was in New Zealand last year and I stopped my car along the windy road on the mountain and decided to go to the lookout. I remember getting out my car and having my head blown away by the insane winds. It felt like it was just me and nature. And maybe it was because I felt the strength of the elements and it overwhelmed me with how high the mountain was and if I slipped, that I would fall a great height. Perhaps it reminded me of how grand nature was and I was taken aback by awe that I felt so at peace, even tho my head was being blown away by the winds. I was just there, in nature, by myself and feeling so one with it all that for a moment, I forgot that I had a body. I felt a part of the elements, like I was just experiencing it all with my soul and with my being, or perhaps it was just my awareness. Maybe it felt like an ego death for a moment, like my ego just shut up and I forgot I was Katie and realised I was the awareness behind it all. It felt like me and this landscape. I was alone with nature, but not once was I ever lonely.

The other time when my breath was taken away was the sunset I witnessed at Tawatawa Reserve in Wellington. I’ll never forget those pink hues at this sun was setting. The hum of the city in the distant. The streetlights illuminated one by one, creating this gorgeous hazy sparkle in the city. I’ve never seen a sunset like that in my life that truly mesmerised me and took my breath away. I was captivated by the changing colours that seemed to get more and more beautiful as the sun was setting. I wondered if the light refracted differently in New Zealand, to create such sunning sunsets of vivid technicolours. Again, it was a moment etched so vividly in my brain and perhaps it was because so absolutely entranced that I was so super present, that I felt an incredible deep sense of calm and peace. I would love to go back to that reserve someday - I have done a few meditations where they ask us to create our magic safe places in my mind. That reserve is my magic place and I go there when I do certain meditations.

Maybe what all these recollections have in common is the very fact that I was very much in the present moment and feeling at one with my surroundings. It’s a sense of being alone that I very much enjoy - it feels like I am all there for myself, that despite being alone I was just never lonely at all. In fact, I felt very much at peace, like I was there for myself and it gave me a strong feeling that I was going to be okay at that moment. There are so many moments in my life where I don’t feel like I am going, but being in the present moment, in these moments when I am on my own, it makes me feel a sense of everlasting peace that no matter what is happening, I have me with me to experience this world and because of that, all is well. It’s a sense of unshakeable peace that everything is ok because I am there for me.