I just wanted to share this with someone: M Television by Kings of Leon. I’ve been listening to KOL on repeat these few days. The guitars here are so glorious, it’s truly beautiful. Reminds me why my first love is indie rock. I fall in love with guitars again and again.
Kinda Magic.
I was thinking about all the things that I wanted then I created in my life. It all just happened, and I never knew how it would happen but it did.
When I was doing my Master of Mgmt in 2016, we had to do these innovation challenges and they were held at various corporate offices. I remember going to the offices at D and thinking that they looked so swanky and beautiful. I remember having a thought that it would be nice to work in these offices someday. And well, I did apply. I applied for the graduate program, I applied for it via the corporate interning program where they would take one student from the masters and have them intern there as a graduate or something and eventually, they could get a job there. I totally tried so hard but well, I never got there. And honestly, I’m glad I didn’t get a job there then, because I started my career in the health system instead, which was where I wanted to. But who knew that 5 years later, I would land a job there. It was a lot easier to get my application read this time because a colleague who worked in health got a job there, then I contacted him telling him I was interested… then I got the 3 interviews and landed a job there. Yeh, it goes to show that I had this desire and I tried all the conventional ways of making it happen - by submitting job applications but then, well, this desire was fulfilled eventually, but in a way that I had no idea how.
Another thing was when I was finishing up as a physio grad and looking for my first physio job. The physiotherapy allocation system where people would apply for grad roles in the health system was what I wanted. And well, my marks sucked. I wasn’t the best physio student, I was really a credit average. But by the time I realised I needed to up my marks, it was too late. I was not really excelling at my grades because let’s face it, physiotherapy was never that easy for me because it just never really clicked. I always preferred the stuff that doctors learnt and not anatomy. Lol. Anyway, I applied and they sent out first round interviews - I didn’t get anything. I waited for the second round, also didn’t get anything. Third and final round came and I also didn’t get anything. I was pretty sad but I still had a desire to work in the health system as a physiotherapist and I figured maybe I just needed to start in the private sector and work my way into the system, somehow. I was already fully accepting of my fate but when I was filling out the application form, I remember putting down a hospital and having a funny feeling about it - so I preferenced it higher than some other hospitals. A month away from the commencement date for the physio jobs, I got a call from that hospital I had a funny feeling about, with them telling me that someone pulled out from the program and my name was next on the list. And that’s how I got into the hospital system as my first job as a physio. It again goes to show, that I had this desire to work in the hospitals and it happened, but not in any way that I could have figured it out. It all seemed so dire for me because everyone else had higher marks than I did because I didn’t take my studies that seriously until the end. But somehow, it worked for me.
There are so many things in my life where things never made any sense in how they came, but they did.
I can't remember.
I can’t really remember 2022 at all. I had to go to my photos to remember what that year was and then I actually could remember bits and pieces of it. But isn’t it funny, that the year 2022 just never seemed to be any significance to me. I just don’t ascribe any importance to that year at all because truthfully, it was all such a blur to me. 2023 was the year when more colour entered my life again, because maybe life was normal again after covid.
It’s so funny when I look back at photos of myself. Because at the time when I took those photos, I would think that I didn’t look that good and I would find something that I didn’t like about myself. But when I look back, I just realise how harsh I was being to myself. But then the cycle continues because right now I would see something I don’t like about myself and then maybe a few years later, I would be thinking, what was I complaining about to myself?
I remember taking this photo - all dressed up with no where to go. This was actually in 2021, a year which I can only remember by a split of before and after lockdown. I can vividly remember how it felt to watch the news daily about the new cases. It seems like a lifetime ago but also it doesn’t seem that long ago either. Time has been a weird soupy warpy mess ever since the pandemic. I still can’t really comprehend how somethings seem so long ago but then the other things feel recent. It’s paradoxical.
If there was nothing else during these years of the pandemic, other than learnings and growth, then that’s a fair assumption. I look at all the different versions of Katie I have been and realised, maybe despite hating being that Katie at that particular time, that I had to be that Katie. I had to feel this certain way because I had to grow - because the truth is, I asked for it. There was a day in 2019 when I wished really hard to the universe and prayed and said that I wanted the dream life. I wanted to no longer be stuck in my patterns and I wanted to be the best version I have ever been. Well, I think my prayer was answered because so very swiftly, my foundations were shaken and I had to rebuild myself and think about who I wanted to be. It took me a lot of time because I was really confused along the way. I remember wanting to be happy and there are some photos where I can see that I am just trying to convince myself that I was happy. But I can see behind the eyes that I wasn’t happy - and the funny thing is that, I was not allowing myself to be happy. Nothing was going to make me happy, except me.
Here I was, holding Elliot. I really was trying to be happy, I can see it in here eyes. She wasn’t happy tho. You can tell Elliot isn’t buying it either lol.
I haven’t heard The Cure by Lady Gaga in such a long time. She debuted this song at Coachella back in 2017 and I was so obsessed with this song. I overplayed it like crazy and I just felt the tender emotions of this song. That’s the type of love that I wanted to feel - the love that was always enduring and there, through the ups and downs.
You know what I discovered? Enduring love that is always there through the ups and downs will only be in your life when you are it yourself. You have to be the enduring love that you want to receive if you want to feel it. Actually, you have to allow yourself to feel it.
And then I got my ears pierced. Maybe that changed somethings for me because it made me feel more like myself. I realised how important expressing yourself through the way you dress and accessorise yourself is. I always felt like I wanted to hide myself and the way I looked, maybe cause when I was a kid I felt embarrassed because people kept telling me I was cute and I hated the attention. So I then decided to be a tomboy in primary school. But perhaps it was the femininity that wanted to be expressed that eventually I could embrace wearing nice dresses and start doing my makeup. But getting my ears pierced was the ultimate expression of femininity for me, even though it may not seem that big. But I felt like I could accessorise myself the way I wanted. I always wanted to wear beautiful jewellery and it made me feel more like myself, like I could embrace the parts I tried to subdue. And then I also let my hair grow long. I lost these pair of earrings though.
I was feeling all sorts of weird when I took these photos in the hotel in Perth when I was there for a work trip. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my face that seemed so puffy to me. And at the time, I was so unhappy with how I looked too. But now I look back, I don’t see anything terrible. I can only see the beautiful glow of the West Coast shining on my face. I was so harsh on myself.
This turned out to be a retrospective of Katies over the years. Lol. I did not intend to make this post as such when I started writing it. It was more that I was starting to realise that I have changed so much and how one little wish from 2019 turned out into the a full blown transformation and I have had to unlearn everything I knew about myself to become the version of myself I wanted to be. And I feel closer to her more than ever. I have learned a lot of things - especially how consistency beats perfection, any time. I always struggled with being consistent because i Just wanted to do it right. And then I would just give up and say it didn’t work - this was with small things such as taking herbal medicine for my period pains. But just being consistent with my herbal medicine has made a difference. I mean, I didn’t get boob pain before my period this time which to me is a huge difference. So I have learnt that it doesn’t matter if there is a day or two that I fuck up. All I have to do is just pick myself up and just do it again and decide to move forward. And that to me, has made all the difference in my life. It’s committing to myself because I never really was that consistent with myself.
What I have learnt about myself is how much I love the colour blue as well. Lol. It sounds so trivial but yeah, I discovered my favourite colour is blue. I love blue because I love the colour of the sky and how I can look up and feel that sense of awe and inspiration. It reminds me of the song by Avicii with the lyrics ‘why would i replace the sky, why would i recreate that perfect blue, what would i change it to?’ It reminds me that everything is just perfect as it is and there’s beauty in accepting things for what they are, because there are things you don’t need to change, like the beauty of the sky. It’s a perfect sky blue. there’s nothing like it and it’s perfect.
And then here’s me today, well not exactly today, but close enough. I look like the culmination of all the Katies I have ever been - well, no shit aye. This beautiful vest with a chiffon lining thing is made from wool by this NZ brand called Olivia Cashmore. It was a tad pricy, but she actually tailored it for my measurements so it fits like a dream. And it looks divine. I wore it out to dinner and I felt really nice. My style isn’t all that feminine, I really like tailored and minimalist looks but then I like adding in some feminine elements, such as silks and lace and cashmere, when it’s cold, lol. But then I like wearing sneakers too - I don’t know, maybe there’s still a part of me that is still a tomboy at heart. Maybe I’m just a grown up tomboy now, or maybe I’m just embracing the me I have been and not discounting all the versions of me that I have ever been.
I really don’t know what this post became. It looks like me celebrating me. Maybe I am. Cause I had this thought that popped into my head today, one that I never had. It was a thought that I didn’t want what I wanted so badly anymore. Well, not in the way that it was. I finally feel fine without it. And maybe not getting what I wanted was a blessing in disguise. It always felt this way though, that in order for me to be the person I wanted to be, the universe had to break me so I could let go the old version of me to realise that maybe, there wasn’t really anything I had to change about myself… but to accept myself as I am. I feel that way more now. But who knows, I might be a bit premature in writing this, because it’s life. Life is continuously flowing and the learning never stops. But I am grateful for where life has taken me these few years. I accept all these funny weird strange versions of Katies. They’re all the mes I had to be.
Sphere.
Ever since I saw video footage of the Sphere in Las Vegas, it’s always been something I would love to visit.
It’s beautiful weather here today and I was sitting outside in the garden, taking a moment and looking up at the skies. The conditions were beautiful and there were heaps of cirrus clouds that formed in the atmosphere - then I realised that actually, the sphere that I always wanted to experience was always here, just up above me.
Maybe it was the patterns of the clouds that made it even more awe inspiring - it felt like I was in a sphere.
I took this using my dad’s Leica CL. I want to buy a mirrorless camera - maybe a Nikon or Fujifilm. Something entry level. I just need to bring it to me when I go on trips so that I don’t just rely on the iPhone, even tho it does take pretty nice pictures already.
I remember receiving a text on my phone from a friend about international women’s day, six years ago. I remember where I was when I got the text, in Wellington and I glanced at my phone and didn’t really think too much of it cause I was immersed in my present moment. Today is international women’s day and from there on after, I think about that txt I received and being in Welly every year.
I think Wellington is such a cute little city but really bloody windy. I liked how quiet it was compared to Sydney. And how beautiful it is when the weather is lovely. Do I think about going back? Quite often. I miss that place. I liked the general vibe of the city and how there are so many natural places around.
I was wondering why when I was in the shower, that I was thinking about my favourite moments in life. Most of them are moments when I was by myself and truly in the present moment.
I remember it being June in 2018 and I was taking the bus to work. I start work at 8am so I was up by 6 something already back then. I had to take a train and a bus to work and those mornings were cold. By then, I figured out my daily commute which was most convenient for me. I remember one morning when it was rather crisp and cold and the bus was already empty because most people had alighted for their stop already. I vividly remember looking at my surroundings and getting off the bus and walking to work. I think this memory is so vivid, because at that time, I felt solid in my surroundings. I felt like I was in control of my life and I was totally focused on myself. It was when I was truly in the now and being loving to myself. I got my shit together for my life and maybe it was because all I had capacity was for myself and so I truly felt the love for myself back then.
Another time was when I was in New Zealand last year and I stopped my car along the windy road on the mountain and decided to go to the lookout. I remember getting out my car and having my head blown away by the insane winds. It felt like it was just me and nature. And maybe it was because I felt the strength of the elements and it overwhelmed me with how high the mountain was and if I slipped, that I would fall a great height. Perhaps it reminded me of how grand nature was and I was taken aback by awe that I felt so at peace, even tho my head was being blown away by the winds. I was just there, in nature, by myself and feeling so one with it all that for a moment, I forgot that I had a body. I felt a part of the elements, like I was just experiencing it all with my soul and with my being, or perhaps it was just my awareness. Maybe it felt like an ego death for a moment, like my ego just shut up and I forgot I was Katie and realised I was the awareness behind it all. It felt like me and this landscape. I was alone with nature, but not once was I ever lonely.
The other time when my breath was taken away was the sunset I witnessed at Tawatawa Reserve in Wellington. I’ll never forget those pink hues at this sun was setting. The hum of the city in the distant. The streetlights illuminated one by one, creating this gorgeous hazy sparkle in the city. I’ve never seen a sunset like that in my life that truly mesmerised me and took my breath away. I was captivated by the changing colours that seemed to get more and more beautiful as the sun was setting. I wondered if the light refracted differently in New Zealand, to create such sunning sunsets of vivid technicolours. Again, it was a moment etched so vividly in my brain and perhaps it was because so absolutely entranced that I was so super present, that I felt an incredible deep sense of calm and peace. I would love to go back to that reserve someday - I have done a few meditations where they ask us to create our magic safe places in my mind. That reserve is my magic place and I go there when I do certain meditations.
Maybe what all these recollections have in common is the very fact that I was very much in the present moment and feeling at one with my surroundings. It’s a sense of being alone that I very much enjoy - it feels like I am all there for myself, that despite being alone I was just never lonely at all. In fact, I felt very much at peace, like I was there for myself and it gave me a strong feeling that I was going to be okay at that moment. There are so many moments in my life where I don’t feel like I am going, but being in the present moment, in these moments when I am on my own, it makes me feel a sense of everlasting peace that no matter what is happening, I have me with me to experience this world and because of that, all is well. It’s a sense of unshakeable peace that everything is ok because I am there for me.